Happy New Year and Happy Birthday to Me

Happy new year everyone!! I think this time of year and holiday season may be my favorite time of year. There is just so much happening. The past few years there has been this escalation of the “war on Christmas” stuff and that is always amusing. I have 3 kids so we love Christmas at our house and we made some really great memories this year. I would like to use this post to look back on the year the good times and bad then look forward to all the things that are coming this next year.

2013 for me was one of the best years of my life. (I feel like they have only been getting better for the last couple of years.) We moved twice! Both times to better places than we were living previously. We moved from the Harden St apartment we brought Vi home to, to a house in the “country”. We got into a great school and all the kids have improved in them. Lex and Vi are making leaps and bounds in the vocabulary area and Ari is reading every day to us. (That is something I was worried about because of my childhood.) The house in the country wasn't without it’s issues though. We had rats and we killed so many I lost count and our landlord lost our rent on several occasions causing the police to show up at our house because he had started eviction processes. So when our family blessed us with a gift we used it to move again. We were able to stay in the same school district and move into a bigger house with a huge flat backyard and so far we are all very happy here. I can not thank those family members enough you have no idea how much your gift improved the lives of my family, we love you.

2013 also marks the third full year I have been with my life partner. He is amazing there is no one else in the world like him and I am the luckiest girl in the world for having him in my life. He is my support in all things and I know I am a better person now than I ever have been. We work so well together we have this way of getting the best out of each other that amazes me everyday.  He is also a one of a kind father and “step-father” to our kids. I realized this year he has been in all of their lives longer now than he wasn't. We all love and rely on him. I love you Gavin.

2013 did hold some tears for me. Mostly coming to the realization I am dealing with what is called post tubal ligation syndrome. Which is basically a fancy way of saying when I had my tubal after Violet was born the doctor accidentally cut off or severely restricted blood flow to my ovaries causing what is basically the onset of early menopause. I’m 29 dealing with mood swings, hot flashes, night sweats, more panic attacks, and some of the itchiest skin ever. Right now I am able to take over the counter supplements and they are helping make up for the loss of estrogen. I still have a period so all the pain none of the gain so to speak lol.

One last peek back to 2013 to note that this was the year more than any other I took control of my physical fitness. I’ve lost weight and inches and I feel a lot better. I found it was a good way to help control all the menopause symptoms and a lot of my aches and pains are gone. I am very excited to see how things continue to change over this next year.

Looking ahead to 2014. The most immediate thing I am looking at is my birthday on the 4th when I will be turning 30. I am very excited about this, it feels like a new start with a nice round number. I feel clean shiny and new. I am actually going to have a part this year and people are actually coming. I have given it the theme of the Addams Family. I love the Addams Family, they are what I want my family and marriage to be like. I want my kids to be open, clever, smart, and a little weird. I want my marriage to be passionate, lusty, and all encompassing. I want each other to be the only ones we long for and do long for each other a fire in our bellies. The understand, acceptance and love the Addams Family has for all of its members and the world around them is so beautiful.

Side rant on the topic of my birthday.  I'm going to be 30 on Saturday and more than a few people are making those "cute" jokes about, "you mean you're turning 28....again. hahaha" No goddamnit, I'm going to be 30! We need to get over this obsession with youth and realize with age comes wisdom and a beauty all it's own. I lived and fought through all of those years they are mine and I wouldn't want to forget or hide any of them for anybody. I'm not sad or uncomfortable with 30 please don't try to put your insecurity  off on me. Life is too short, fragile, and beautiful for any of that.

As for the rest of 2014 I’m not making any plans I’ll just have to see what the year hold for me. Like every other year of every person on the planet I’m sure there will be ups and downs and I’ll take all of them as they come. Sure I know there are things will are going to happen the end of the school year and summer vacation, all my kids birthdays (which are always emotional). Other than that let come what may no matter what happens I have people that love me and we will all make it through together.

Best Inspiration Ever!

I have been inspired by many things to write these posts, but I think this is the best inspiration yet; the Best. Orgasm. Ever!

It came out of nowhere and rippled through every muscle in my body for what felt like forever; it was amazing. It was so amazing that I had to find out why it happened and what I could do to keep them, well me, coming. My first thought was, "Well, I am about to turn 30. Maybe that thing about women hitting their sexual prime in their thirties is true.". I had so been hoping it was true. Then I thought, "Well, I have been working out a lot lately. I've lost around 17 pounds and several inches, maybe that has something to do with it.". So, I looked into both of these possibilities.

Let's start with the hypothesis that women hit their sexual prime in their thirties. Back in the 1940's there was a doctor by the name of Alfred Kinsey and he did a lot of really great things. He founded the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction. He gave us the Kinsey scale that some of you may be familiar with. He wrote a book called “Sexual Behavior in The Human Female”, and another for males. I'll focus on the female book for this post.

He took the sexual histories of over 5,000 women to write this book and he found that women do seem to have better sex once they are in their thirties. The problem is that the book was published in 1953 and the life of the average woman was very different. Sex, especially for unmarried young women, was even more demonized than it is now. The guilt alone would interfere with the level of pleasure for the few women brave enough to break the social taboo. However by the time most of the women in the study were thirty they were married and had children, leaving them little to worry about during sex but their own pleasure; so they reported better sex lives.

Scientifically speaking, women hit their hormonal sexual peak around the same time men do; in their late teens and early twenties. There are some theories that sex could be better women in their forties because their bodies stop producing as much oxytocin—our nurturing hormone, so they just aren't as worried about taking care of their partner and focus instead on their own orgasm. Also, hopefully by then, woman have a much better idea of how their bodies work and are more able to communicate that to their partners. The conclusion is, there is no physiological reason to expect your sex life to magically get better in your thirties. However, as we age we gain wisdom even about our bodies and that could very easily lead to better sex.

On to the second hypothesis. Exercise can make sex better, and could have been responsible for my super-awesome orgasm. As always, I did some digging and wasn't surprised to find out that this was a much more plausible idea. There have been multiple studies done on this topic; so, I'll summarize. Regular exercise does a lot, to not only tone muscle, but increase blood circulation which is important for sexy time. The more blood you can get to your sensitive bits the better and higher the chance of orgasm.
Exercise, like sex, releases endorphins in your brain, and helps to relieve stress. For women, their emotional state is closely related to their sexual arousal and enjoyment. Those same endorphins also help release cortisol, giving you an overall sense of well-being; making it easier to get into the right state of mind for that orgasm.
The increased muscle tone in your body helps produce more testosterone which can lead to an increased libido. On top of that, the extra testosterone floating around also gives you a little boost of confidence which always helps. If that extra confidence were to lead you to a more “risky” form of exercise like rock climbing the adrenaline can mimic those sweet little butterflies in your stomach you felt when you were first dating; good times.
There is also the idea that you could do a more sensual workout, like a pole-dancing, belly dancing, or any kind of dancing class. Learning new sexy moves is very likely to let loose a sexy goddess hiding inside of you and inspire you to more sexual activities with your partner. Let's not forget about how important foreplay is. You can't blow the top of the house that hasn't been built, people. So, the conclusion here is: exercise can lead to better sex and better orgasms, so do it!
At the end of the day I was a little disappointed to learn there isn't a magical awakening I can look forward to in my thirties. I was, however, happy to learn there is yet another way I can take control of my sexual experience. In any way that I can be in more control of my pleasure, and any way I can have more power over how my life plays-out is always a positive thing in my eyes.

Sex and My Mental Health

Premise.

Sex and orgasm release “happy” chemicals in your brain, so the more sex you have the happier you are. In my experience this is very true. If I go more that say three days without having sex things can get crazy. I become overly emotional getting super sad or angry at things that wouldn't normally upset me. I am prone to slipping into depression. I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder that leans towards depression, so I do my best not to aggravate it when possible. I have found that sex and orgasm work wonders for me. Notice I said “for me”, this is in-no-way a piece telling you to stop taking your meds and just have lots of sex instead.

The Science of Orgasm.

Endorphins are used by the body to relieve pain for the most part but, they play a pretty big role in orgasm. They make you feel a sense euphoria and pleasure. They also have a calming affect that can reduce or even stave off depression. Another chemical that is very present in orgasm is oxytocin. This chemical is in charge of all the nice contractions your muscles do to make you feel good. It also causes you to feel connected to your partner. Procaltin is the chemical that relives the sexual tension after orgasm. It is responsible for that flood of remembered chores you have to do tomorrow after sex.

Dopamine and serotonin play a big part in making us feel better when we are in pain or depressed and are the base chemicals for a lot of antidepressant medication. We can get these naturally by having good sex. I do feel the need to point out that we know that having lots of meaningless sex can cause depression, so don't do that. I would say that sex with someone you feel connected to on a regular basis or a random fling can work wonders for our mental health.

My experience.

Personally, I know if I don't have sex at least two to three times a week my emotional health suffers. Even if I masturbate there is no substitute for the physical contact of sex. Masturbation is good for you in many ways. Studies have shown that people who masturbate more have better heart health and live longer lives that is nothing to sneeze at. However the chemical reaction produced during sex for me is much stronger than when I masturbate. So, if you are in a situation where you can have regular sex when someone you like do it.

Most of the time when I feel my partner and I are fighting more often, or I feel myself sinking into some form of depression, if I think back I will find that it's been a while since the last time we had sex. If I suck up my pride or hurt feelings and we have sex I am better able to communicate to him the real problem if there is one. I like to think of myself as a pretty logical person and I am able to think through my problems, real or emotionally aggravated ones, and find solutions. Most of the time, sex isn't the answer to my problem but it does calm me to the point where I am able to look for the answers I need. Any time we are able to tie up loose ends we feel better, and this is precisely what sex helps me do. Aside from the purely chemical/physical reactions of our bodies during and after sex, that are amazing in their own right, a clear mind is a marvelous thing to have. I wish you all great sex and even better mental health.

Female Ejaculation

Let me get started by saying that I am an ejaculating female. So anything that I say here that may make any other females out there that ejaculate feel uncomfortable or make them worry completely applies to myself as well as them. I will also say I fully believe that the fluid we ejaculate isn't solely urine and is a unique fluid produced from the  Skene's glands during orgasm. 


Ok onto the big questions. What exactly is female ejaculation? To put it simply, squirting/gushing is a fluid release that happens before,during, and possibly after the female orgasm. The fluid itself has been at the center of an ongoing debate in the scientific world for some time now. Some say that it is mostly a “stress induced incontinence” however upon further study it was found that the majority of women that reported ejaculation didn't have issues with incontinence in any other time of their daily lives. I myself would fall into this category. Further studies of the fluid found that there were some components of urine in the fluid but it wasn't solely composed of urine. Doctors now believe that it is the  Skene's glands that are making the fluid. They are very closely mingled with the urinary tract so it does make it hard to study. One experiment used a chemical called methylene blue which dyes the urine. After orgasm the chemical was found in her urine, but only in trace amounts in the ejaculated fluid. So I feel it is safe to say that the fluid is different from urine and should not be treated as such.

If all women have the same parts why don't all women ejaculate? Well for the same reason not all vaginas look the same or have the same level of sensitivity. Yes we all have the same basic build, but our genetics make us all work a little differently. Some people believe squirting can be taught and has a lot to do with the comfort level a woman has with her partner. I happen to agree with this idea. If you want to lean how to do this here is what I think is an affective method of training your body to do so. You will need to simultaneously stimulate your clitoris and your G-spot. However the G-spot is the most important part. If you don't know for most women it can be located inside, at the front of the vagina. Pressure here may cause you to have the sensation of needing to pee because it is located near those  Skene's glands, but don't let it hold you back. While you or you and your partner, or you and your toys are going for it when you feel you are about to orgasm instead of squeezing in with your pelvic floor muscles, as most of us do, push out and let it flow. I have to say from personal experience its one of the best feeling ever.

How much fluid will their be? Again its different for every woman, but the doctors say the  Skene's glands can excreting 30–50 mL (6–10 tsp) in 30–50 seconds. However I will say it is unclear how this was measured so take it with a grain of salt. So to say the least it could be a lot of fluid and if you are capable of multiple orgasms, like myself, it could be a lot more than that. There have been days and nights when I get out of bed and look at all the come and there is a three foot or larger puddle where I was just laying. Its crazy and awesome and sometimes cold lol. I want to stress this is nothing to be ashamed of. I have on occasion taken pictures of my sexy messes because the are so awesome.

What are the social implications of female ejaculation? For most women they think they have just peed all over their partner and are embarrassed. So in future encounters they hold back and some times keep themselves from orgasm all together. Shame is a huge motivator and it tends to keep us from having the good things in life and this is no different. Some women may even keep themselves from having intimate relationships all together. This breaks my heart. When I think back to the first time I did it I had no idea what happened I was freaking out I thought I just ruined this person's couch and it was the fist time we had sex. When we both got up he looked at me and said did you know you could do this? I said “do what?” He explained squirting to me and told me he loved it and thought it was awesome. If this had not been my experience I don't know what I would have done (a year and a half later I married him). This is a natural biological happening and should be celebrated for what it is a surrender to the pleasures our bodies can give us. The female body and its functions have long been viewed a gross and women have been treated badly, to say the least, because of this. Acceptance of this particular bodily function into “normality” and becoming viewed as just another awesome thing a woman’s bodies can do is important to me because I do it and its awesome. No woman should be ashamed of what her body can do, especially when its an expression of sexual pleasure. 

Memorial Day

 This weekend is a weekend to remember those in service to this country, fighting for our rights and freedoms we all enjoy. At least that is what we are all told and maybe that is what it once was, it's not about that anymore.

All I can think of or remember is the thousands of men, women, and children that are dead or dying in this needless sham of a terror war that we are currently engaged in. There have been so many civilians killed in the last 10 years of this 'war', it's heart breaking, most of them killed in those wonderful unmanned drone attacks. They say that they “save” Americans but the “collateral damage” is counted by the deaths of innocent civilian children. In Iraq alone, according to the Iraq Body Count Project, since 2003 to 2011 there have been 89,185 civilian deaths.

From the beginning this war has been about money, oil, and pride. It has never had anything to do with American safety. We have known from the start that the great majority of the terrorists that flew those planes into the trade centers were from Saudi Arabia, but did we go to war with them? No. Why, because we have this deal with them to supply our oil habit. It's no wonder why the people of Saudi Arabia hate America. We prop up one of the most oppressive, anti-human rights, theocratic governments in the world, but hey it's all good, they sell us oil.

The idea that the war we are fighting now is a fight for our rights and freedoms is laughable. How is this possible when all Americans aren't treated fairly or equally under the law? When there are laws being posed that would restrict a woman's access to birth control for religious reasons. Or the laws that are attempting to restrict a woman's right to choose what to keep in her body for religious reasons. Or the laws that would prosecute a woman for miscarrying they fetus she was attempting to carry for religious reasons. Or the wonderful purposed idea that would force a woman to carry to term a fetus that is dead the way farm animals are forced to.

Then there is the fact that in 33 states a gay couple cannot get a government issued legal document of marriage for religious reasons. Maybe the reason American politicians get along so well with Saudi Arabian officials is because they want to be just like them when they grow up. Just change the name of the god, and the holy book and there you go; Christian Sharia Law. Before long we will be locking up and executing people for not conforming to their ideas of religious laws. President Obama just this year signed the Nation Defense Authorization Act that make it possible for the government to arrest anyone, including American citizens, for being suspected of “terrorism”. Those legally defined terms can mean whatever the government wants it to. The NDAA would also let the government hold that person without telling them what they have been charged with for as long as they want and then try and sentence them without their knowledge or input. Is is really that far of a stretch to see how this could so easily be abused?

George Carlin said, “Right aren't “rights” if someone can take them away- They're privileges. That's all we've ever had in this country: a bill of temporary privileges. And if you read the news, even badly, you know that the list gets shorter and shorter.” He is exactly right. What we call rights don't seem to be rights at all. They have been refused, taken away, and we have voted to give them away (though I didn't) out of fear and hatred. What we are working with now are only privileges and not every American is working with the same set of privileges. If this doesn't upset you I have to assume you are one of the many that have been brainwashed by the Republican party, Fox news and/or the church, and I am incredibly sad for you.

This is what floods my mind when I think about Memorial Day this year, unnecessary death and stolen rights. I don't see the point in celebrating, but I will take the day off to try and explain to my kids why voting is so important.

What I Learned From 2 1/2 Years in Polyamorous Relationships.

Out of all the shocking events my friends and family watched during my deconversion, my foray into poly relationships was one of the biggest; at least it seemed that way to me. It was what I got the most questions about anyway. It was kinda funny to me to listen to peoples' concerns that ranged from the effects on my marriage, how I would explain it to my kids, STDs, and what I would do if I became pregnant. To me, the answers to these questions were simple... the same thing any sexually active unwed parent would: with caution and information. I thought that would be obvious, but I guess not. I have to assume the idea that I could sleep with more than one person at time and be happy just wouldn't fit into their heads.

I want to define what a polyamorous relationship is so there is no confusion. I also want to mention that my relationship met all of these guide lines. A polyamorous relationship is one in which all members involved are consenting adults and are aware of the separate relationships their partners are involved in. Everyone knows before getting involved that exclusiveness is not to be expected in other partners and everyone is good with this idea.

The meat of this post is, "what I learned from my experiences as a slut". Well, to start off it can be complicated. I had five partners that I would see on a semi-regular basis, and it got hard to divide up the time between them all. That lead to hurt feelings and jealousy. Jealousy can be a big problem if not kept in check. When someone feels they should be getting more time from a partner and it just wasn't there to give resentment can grow, so communication is very important to say the least. I also had to keep an eye out for any of them trying to undermine any of my other relationships or partners. A prime piece of advice for anyone thinking about starting this type of relationship, "don't start one with someone how doesn't really want it, too. It won't work and people will just get hurt".

I also found it can be pretty awesome when it does work. One of the most meaningful sexual experiences I have had was a threesome that involved my life partner and another male partner. I felt surrounded by love, and it was beautiful. There is also the ability to never have to go a day without sex if I didn't want to; for me this is very important. The non-sexual perks were kinda awesome as well. You could have people you trusted intimately helping you with everyday life situations: rearing kids, cooking, cleaning, in-law control.  They also helped me shape my religious and political views. Gavin, in particular, turned me on to so many things I hadn't thought about in years (if ever), and helped  me work my way out of my religious indoctrination to see the world as it really is. An example of what I mean is helping me see my true worth as a woman and to become a feminist. I feel my life, over all, has been enriched by the experience.

I have learned a whole hell of a lot about myself sexually from being in this type of relationship. I got to try out all of the things I was either too scared to bring up with my (then) husband, or not comfortable enough to try with him. If you haven't noticed, even in everyday friendships, there are things we do with one friend that we may not want to do with another. This isn't because we care for one friend over another its just that we have different interests and intimacy levels. So, I was able to explore my sexuality in different ways with different  people and now I know more precisely what I like (and I know most other people honestly do not). I was also able to learn how to better express how I want the things I like and say "no" or "please do it this way". I'll go into detail about the things I like in a later post. ;)

So, "if having a poly relationship was so awesome why aren't you in one now?", you may ask. Well, it's simple, "I don't want to be". I got burned out, simple as that. Splitting my time between so many, and fighting the urge to have sex when I didn't want to became too much, so I decided not to do it anymore. I also found myself lying to partners to spend time with my (now) life partner. I asked myself, "Why become a bad person to do something I don't really want to do anymore? Should I keep up all the relationships to keep up appearances, or should I do what makes me happy?" It was an easy decision.

I also learned a hard lesson that led to the end of my relationships. It should have been easy for me to see and prepare for, but I found not all people involved are happy and will react in anger. I don't want to go into details, but both Gavin and I learned the hard way sometimes "love hurts" and it's not worth risking a known awesome thing for a possible terrible thing.

This is something I have been wanting to write down, so when I get asked the snarky question by old friends or family that are of the religious sort, "if it was so important why aren't you poly anymore?" I can just point them to this post. I happen to also think that looking back on your life and going through these kinds of questions in your head help you appreciate the decisions you have made. At least it does for me. For the record I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and that is what is important, but I wouldn't not trade my journey for anything.

A Rant

I am feeling a little off at the moment so this may not make a lot of since and I'm sorry about that. Tomorrow starts my son's first spring break and his dad is taking him and his sister on a trip to meet his uncle, which is great. I want them to know both sides of their family, but I can't help but feel a little bit sad. This is the first time they have gone on a trip with their dad and its several states away. They are so far away and I miss the first spring break. Its also the first time they have left me. How is this the first time in 3 years I am having to deal with this?  We have been on several trips, but this feel different for some reason. It may be that it is also the first time that the idea of custody issue even popped into my head. We have always been so close the kids have either been in the apartment under ours with their dad or just down the hall it has been something we talked about custody but I have never really thought seriously about it. Now for some reason this is started an almost panic in me. How much time could I be spending apart from my babies in the future? I can't even think clearly and they have only been gone for several hours. How do people deal with this?