What I Learned From 2 1/2 Years in Polyamorous Relationships.

Out of all the shocking events my friends and family watched during my deconversion, my foray into poly relationships was one of the biggest; at least it seemed that way to me. It was what I got the most questions about anyway. It was kinda funny to me to listen to peoples' concerns that ranged from the effects on my marriage, how I would explain it to my kids, STDs, and what I would do if I became pregnant. To me, the answers to these questions were simple... the same thing any sexually active unwed parent would: with caution and information. I thought that would be obvious, but I guess not. I have to assume the idea that I could sleep with more than one person at time and be happy just wouldn't fit into their heads.

I want to define what a polyamorous relationship is so there is no confusion. I also want to mention that my relationship met all of these guide lines. A polyamorous relationship is one in which all members involved are consenting adults and are aware of the separate relationships their partners are involved in. Everyone knows before getting involved that exclusiveness is not to be expected in other partners and everyone is good with this idea.

The meat of this post is, "what I learned from my experiences as a slut". Well, to start off it can be complicated. I had five partners that I would see on a semi-regular basis, and it got hard to divide up the time between them all. That lead to hurt feelings and jealousy. Jealousy can be a big problem if not kept in check. When someone feels they should be getting more time from a partner and it just wasn't there to give resentment can grow, so communication is very important to say the least. I also had to keep an eye out for any of them trying to undermine any of my other relationships or partners. A prime piece of advice for anyone thinking about starting this type of relationship, "don't start one with someone how doesn't really want it, too. It won't work and people will just get hurt".

I also found it can be pretty awesome when it does work. One of the most meaningful sexual experiences I have had was a threesome that involved my life partner and another male partner. I felt surrounded by love, and it was beautiful. There is also the ability to never have to go a day without sex if I didn't want to; for me this is very important. The non-sexual perks were kinda awesome as well. You could have people you trusted intimately helping you with everyday life situations: rearing kids, cooking, cleaning, in-law control.  They also helped me shape my religious and political views. Gavin, in particular, turned me on to so many things I hadn't thought about in years (if ever), and helped  me work my way out of my religious indoctrination to see the world as it really is. An example of what I mean is helping me see my true worth as a woman and to become a feminist. I feel my life, over all, has been enriched by the experience.

I have learned a whole hell of a lot about myself sexually from being in this type of relationship. I got to try out all of the things I was either too scared to bring up with my (then) husband, or not comfortable enough to try with him. If you haven't noticed, even in everyday friendships, there are things we do with one friend that we may not want to do with another. This isn't because we care for one friend over another its just that we have different interests and intimacy levels. So, I was able to explore my sexuality in different ways with different  people and now I know more precisely what I like (and I know most other people honestly do not). I was also able to learn how to better express how I want the things I like and say "no" or "please do it this way". I'll go into detail about the things I like in a later post. ;)

So, "if having a poly relationship was so awesome why aren't you in one now?", you may ask. Well, it's simple, "I don't want to be". I got burned out, simple as that. Splitting my time between so many, and fighting the urge to have sex when I didn't want to became too much, so I decided not to do it anymore. I also found myself lying to partners to spend time with my (now) life partner. I asked myself, "Why become a bad person to do something I don't really want to do anymore? Should I keep up all the relationships to keep up appearances, or should I do what makes me happy?" It was an easy decision.

I also learned a hard lesson that led to the end of my relationships. It should have been easy for me to see and prepare for, but I found not all people involved are happy and will react in anger. I don't want to go into details, but both Gavin and I learned the hard way sometimes "love hurts" and it's not worth risking a known awesome thing for a possible terrible thing.

This is something I have been wanting to write down, so when I get asked the snarky question by old friends or family that are of the religious sort, "if it was so important why aren't you poly anymore?" I can just point them to this post. I happen to also think that looking back on your life and going through these kinds of questions in your head help you appreciate the decisions you have made. At least it does for me. For the record I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and that is what is important, but I wouldn't not trade my journey for anything.

A Rant

I am feeling a little off at the moment so this may not make a lot of since and I'm sorry about that. Tomorrow starts my son's first spring break and his dad is taking him and his sister on a trip to meet his uncle, which is great. I want them to know both sides of their family, but I can't help but feel a little bit sad. This is the first time they have gone on a trip with their dad and its several states away. They are so far away and I miss the first spring break. Its also the first time they have left me. How is this the first time in 3 years I am having to deal with this?  We have been on several trips, but this feel different for some reason. It may be that it is also the first time that the idea of custody issue even popped into my head. We have always been so close the kids have either been in the apartment under ours with their dad or just down the hall it has been something we talked about custody but I have never really thought seriously about it. Now for some reason this is started an almost panic in me. How much time could I be spending apart from my babies in the future? I can't even think clearly and they have only been gone for several hours. How do people deal with this?